I lost my mom 11 days ago. I should say I had lost her longer ago than that, she slept pretty much the last week on earth. I am so grateful she didn't suffer, just slept longer and longer as the cancer progressed. I am not going to get into the depressing details, Mom would not want that. I need to accentuate the positive. She wanted to die gracefully, and she did. She just went to sleep. I was there as much as I could be the last month and the last week- stayed as long as I could. I wanted to.
I never meant to broadcast to the world my pain, but evidently I did, on Facebook. It was so hard just going through it all, I thought sharing would ease the pain. I wasn't an attention hoarder- well, OK, maybe just a little bit. But my true friends really came through for me. The support, the camaraderie of people who lost family and loved ones to cancer also. Mom told me she didn't care as long as never felt like it was a "pity party". Yes, she said exactly that. She didn't want pity. She hated what the cancer did to her body, her speech, her skin color. (she got very jaundice) So I never took her picture, I didn't subject her to the public. She stayed home until we had to have help. That was what she wanted. I went right along with her, listened to her wants. When she spoke of how she wanted her funeral, who her pall bearers would be, what she was to wear...all of it, I listened. No one wants to hear things like that, but if I didn't- she would not of gotten what she wanted, And she did. I saw to it. Everything she asked for, I made sure it was done. Still have trials, still think of her constantly. I even forget she is gone for brief moments. I seen a bottle of wine I thought she would like at the store today, was going to ask her if she'd like me to pick up a bottle. A brief moment of madness? No, just love, hope.
My family went through much of this too, maybe not the being with her as I was, but I was able and am will be forever thankful I could be. I never want any of my brothers or my sister to feel guilty for NOT being there, because Mom did not want them to feel that way. She knew they had lives, jobs, they live a distance away. It meant more to her for them to live their lives- to go on. Not to dwell on her being sick, but her remember her in life. So- my brothers and sis-if you read this, she told me many, many times. " I don't want them here if it causes hardship, I know they love me. Life will go on."
One of the last sentences Mom was able to speak to me came after I put her to bed one night. She was barely able to make it to her bedroom with my assistance and the walker. She had to stop half way in the kitchen, sit, rest, then get up and go again. As I helped her get dressed for bed, laid her head down on the pillow, she said, " You are not going to like what I am going to say, but I hate this, I can't go on like this, I want this over." I was at her feet, and I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "I know Mom, I know, I understand." Then I went to give her a kiss on the head and she grab my face between her two hands, one on each cheek and said, "thank you Honey" She closed her eyes, and went right to sleep. She wasn't thanking me for putting her to bed, she was thanking because I understood. I understood that she was ready. It was less than a week and she was gone. She told me and I prepared myself. It was time.
Norma Ehlers, My Mom, my hero.
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