Maybe

Do I care if no one is reading this? Not really. I need to get out whats in my head. It frees my mind, helps heal. I don't NEED anyone to read it and think, Whoa! Poor Jill. That wasn't my point. I am putting it out there what makes me think, And think I do, almost obsessively. It can be debilitating for me, to carry these thought in my head. If I write them down, it seems to help the healing process.

Certain subjects for me are best left avoided though, since they can cause repercussions. What if the wrong person read it and misconstrued what I said? So I will leave certain subjects left out of my blog. But how do I heal in those instances?  Maybe I can be cryptic...maybe I will write it anyway and delete it later? Maybe.

Let it go.

Someone from my past, someone I'd rather not remember, resurfaced in my life. I will call her Meg. (fictional name for a real person) I met Meg in the 4th grade. She was sort of a loner. She was teased for her acne, I felt sorry for her. I sat by her at lunch once and awhile and would strike up conversations with her. It was a small would, because I found out Meg lived on the same street as I did, just 3 blocks away. So began a friendship. It was not your normal friendship, it was apparent from the beginning. My first clue was when I beat her at a board game, she threw a fit. She lifted the board and marched into her room, and told me to go home. I did. She didn't speak to me for a week. I should of just let it be, and never gone back. But I did. Eventually I learned to lose games, let her take control of pretty much everything. After awhile I actually feared her, a friend that was so controlling that if I didn't talk to her, or tried to distant myself from her she made life Hell for me. Without going into a long drawn out story, it went on for years. In about the 8th grade I decided, enough is enough. I was going to a different High school then her so I called her one day and just said I was severing our relationship. She took it well, so it seemed.

For the next 2+ years she bullied me. I was harrassed. The harrassment included prank phone calls, her boyfriend following me, graffiti on our property. She even went as far as to harrass my little niece. That was the beginning of a huge battle, involving parents, siblings, neighbors. It finally ceased about the 11th grade, intermittingly I would get prank calls or strange scary things would occur.

So why contact me after all these years? She left a message on my FB page telling me she was sorry for my loss of my mother. Is she seeking forgiveness? Is it wrong to just brush this person off? I had seen her once in the 12 th grade, she and I sat down to talk. She blamed all the bullying on another girlfriend we hung around with at the time. She never took the blame. She never said she was sorry for the torture she put me through. So, when this recent message popped up in my PM, I just thanked her for her comment. Is it wrong to not forgive? She profoundly changed my teen years forever, it can not be erased. It made me who I am today, how I have had trust issues, I cling to certain friends, and low self esteem. It is so difficult to put to words how I feel in my heart.


So I am left with this big question mark in my mind. For now, I let it be. I will not contact her. I can not deal with all of the past pain and memories. I guess the old (yet now 'new', thanks to Disney) addage is true-- just "Let it Go."