I pretend to understand how some young people view their self-worth. I struggle with it actually, quite a few of them access self-worth with a career. I never felt it necessary to form my life around a job, or career. I wanted to succeed in life, in family, in personal strength. Of course, this is a different world I was brought up in, The need to suceed is ever present, pushed or culture, and in even in middle school. Who you going to be when you grow up? What will you be?

Its all personal. Frankly, I put my children first and foremost. I brought them into the world, I should take the reigns, and build them up to be good functioning people. I thought less of me, and more of them. Its true. I would skip eating a sandwich for lunch so I could give my kids the last slices of bread. I gave up new clothes, shoes, and basic necessities, to give them what they needed or wanted. I worked, but I worked around my husbands schedule-he was the main bread winner- so the kids didn't spend their entire day in a daycare. I wanted them to at least be with one of us  It was difficult raising my kids on a fixed income, but we struggled and we managed to give them a good childhood with great Christmases, birthdays, and even an occasional vacation. It mattered to us, to give them memories, and meals at the table.

So, if I seem unsympathetic to the career hungry culture, its because being successful at being a parent meant a whole lot more than a career. And I like to think I did pretty well with my two kids. So, maybe my career was simply, being a Mom.

What is the dream? What do I want to do in life, is there more? What's next? Is there? What's the future to bring? Is there more to life? I can't decide. What the grand scheme, where do you go from here. Is this all there is? Tell me we all haven't thought of that once or twice. It not that I am not happy but did I expect more by now? Can I really say this is where I wanted to be at this point in my life? Where did all these questions come from all of sudden. Its not as if it hit me suddenly I just sat down and I wonder out loud, well sort of, here on my blog. Can this be it? I got to figure this all out or maybe not, maybe its just suppose to just happen and it will all  fall into place. But what if it has and I passed it by or I let it go. I am so confused! Who are my real friends? Can I trust them?  Maybe something is missing in my life or maybe I am searching too hard. I need to rest. Rest my mind, my heart. Just be... be me.

 I was thinking about my past...my childhood, my first marriage. I was married young, 18 years old to be exact, to Steven Callahan. I had my first born, my son, Daniel at 19 years young. My daughter, Samantha, came 4 years later. People that knew us then, were pretty sure we wouldn't make it, our marriage, I mean. But we were married 19 years before Steven was killed in a horrible accident. an event that changed the course of my life. I cannot describe to you what it felt like to be widowed at such a young age. Just losing someone is difficult enough, but to wake up one morning, go through your day as you alway have, and in a blink of an eye, it all changed. I won't go into details, but I look back at that part of my life and if you'd of asked me 17 years ago, if I could of survived such an ordeal, knowing all that I know now, I would of said, "NO way." But I did. You want to know how? Faith, love of family and friends. Oh but the ordeals we went through as a family. Its indescribable. If I can help ANY widow or widower that goes through this at such a young age, I would say first and foremost- think of your child or children FIRST.  I know, easy advice, obviously-right? But its so easy to say, unless you experience it there is no easy way to say how you think all is going to just "right" itself with time. It doesn't, its a struggle, its painful, but you can get through. I am ashamed to admit it, but I tried to buy happiness. Yes, its reality, I know I did it. My mother, God rest her soul, said it was my youth, not knowing how to handle all the pressures, the finances. But still, what a mistake. I would change so much if I could go back... of course, it not happening in the first place. I just want people to know, its important! Your kids happiness FIRST. Their future-FIRST.

Advice. The grass isn't always greener. We all heard that phrase. I learned that the hard way. Left a job of 15 years for another in the same field for another company. Red flags shot up right from the beginning. One was, " I would never step foot in a Walmart." This was said by my new boss. She actually said that. Yes, I left the company, but it is not this depraved, deviant company they make it out to  be. To say you would never step foot in a Walmart says a lot to me. It tells me you feel "better" than the workers there. That was the first red flag. Second, was how a couple more of my superiors watched my every move. I am serious, I was constantly watched, scrutinized to a point where I felt their eyes burrowing in my back. And to say that had to be an exaggeration, is not the case. It was unnerving to see eyes trained on me whenever I looked at these people. Third, not being able to talk, I don't mean complete silence, like in a library or church...I mean idle talk. If a topic came up out of the work topic, you may of been able to squeeze a sentence or two about it...but not any longer than that. You had to hush up, heads down. or up...to work...nose to the grind stone. Well, that is okay to an extent, but boy can that drain your mind. You feel robotic after a time, not human. Personal conversations were snatched here and there. Moral was a issue because of that. Just do your job, work work work, no life outside brought in unless someone asked, then you had to be brief. That took its toll on me. Hey, I am all about work, do it right, but where is the human aspect of that? What about laughter? What about the human being's life outside this box? No, it drained me.  I could not work where I felt like I was only theirs for 8 hours and nothing to define me outside of that box. So, I started to feel the stress, along the way, to my dispair, my mom got very sick, cancer. I had to be there for her- I wanted to be there. Usually I received compassion on that aspect, but all and all I was expected to never falter, to be able to set all of the emotions aside, and work. That is fine, but it was emotionally draining to be expected not to feel that pain all day. People are not robots. We cannot go through something like a dying parent and not feel stress. I started to make mistakes. I felt isolated, my anxiety went through the roof. I felt "out of sorts" and to top it all off, constantly told how I did everything wrong.  Then, to make matters worse, I was betrayed by another employee who helped me do a computer task in the area, by which she saw over my shoulder  what I made per hour. Wow, shit hit the fan. Apparently I made more than this veteran employee and her co-worker. I get a phone call on my day off- telling me how "unprofessional" it was to do that task at work, on the computers in that area. There were 2 other supervisor on duty as we were doing this, and they even showed us how to get to that area of the website on these computers. These supervisors knew we were doing it, and never once- said it was inappropriate. But it was my fault. I was told I left the window open, which is also a lie because I could pull up the history and I shut that window 1 minute after I opened it. She saw it over my shoulder and blamed me for leaving a window open. THAT Hurt. The 2 employees raised a stink, got their raises, and withing 2 weeks I left. I cannot tell you the anxiety that place caused me. I would never want to work in an environment where people don't have life outside "the box" of the work place. Never again.  I am working back at the "degrading" Walmart. Not to me,  it is not degrading. I feel like part a family. A family that is not perfect by know means, but we laugh, we can talk...They care about me, they ask about my life outside, we share. Its a big relief to me actually to have a job where we can be human and not robots. Lesson learned. I am human, after all.

Healing

I needed advice,   but, I could not call.
That song you love is on the radio! But I could not call.
You have to see the color of the leaves on that tree in my front yard! but I could not show you.
The grocery store I am at has your favorite wine on sale, but I could not call.

I could not call, because you aren't there. You are gone. And I miss you- I want to talk to you, see you, laugh with you, share the beauty of the world with you, have a glass of wine with you.

Time will heal, memories will comfort me. But most of all needing, listening, seeing, and knowing is enough because with each of these things I know you are still with me.

Advice

Changes, life happens. We all have those moments in life that forever alters your being. Small things, big things happen. Nothing prepares you for it, it just happens. My mother death, though I knew she was dying nothing prepares you for that. Now that she is gone, I realize the true impact it had on my life. I always miss her, its as if there is this ache in my heart that wishes to hear her voice, hear her laugh. I long to ask for her advice. But life keeps tumbling forward. I will adapt to the space she left in my heart. I will share her with anyone who will listen-about the woman I most admired. With the memories I have, she is alive. 

I made some decisions about my career. Career...Not sure if career is a good choice of words for someone like me, who doesn't want her job to define who I am. I work to live and pay bills. I am not saying I can't enjoy what I do as "a job". But to me, careers are for the woman who strives to be the best at what they went to college for, those ambitious women, who can balance their careers with their home life as if it no big deal. I can't do that. My family, my home, each mean so much to me that the "job" stays where it should, I don't want it to over flow into  my personal life. I would never put down the "career" driven woman. I admire them. Its just not who I am. When my "job" did flow over into my home life, effecting my emotional self that's when I had to reevaluate what I needed to do. I am almost 50 years old, not that 50 is by any means "old" but I can not 'live' to work. There has to be balance. My balance is family and home first, job second. Decisions were made, big mistakes made along the way. I will not let a job take over my life again, I will not let it change me. It will never over flow into my health or my relationships with the people I love EVER again. I will learn balance. 

So as I said in the beginning of this blog, losing my Mom changed so many things. She gave me some advice one day, as we sat together on her porch, right after one of her doctor appointments. She took my hand and said, "Honey, promise me you will not work in a place that makes you unhappy." I had told her how stressed I was at my current job. She continued, "Remember how it affected me? I had health issues because of the stress. It is not worth it." again she said, "Promise me!" So I promised her I wouldn't stay where I am not happy. Guess what, she was right. I was getting physically ill. And it is not worth it. I left where I was unhappy and I felt like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Mom, for still reaching out to me.   

Maybe

Do I care if no one is reading this? Not really. I need to get out whats in my head. It frees my mind, helps heal. I don't NEED anyone to read it and think, Whoa! Poor Jill. That wasn't my point. I am putting it out there what makes me think, And think I do, almost obsessively. It can be debilitating for me, to carry these thought in my head. If I write them down, it seems to help the healing process.

Certain subjects for me are best left avoided though, since they can cause repercussions. What if the wrong person read it and misconstrued what I said? So I will leave certain subjects left out of my blog. But how do I heal in those instances?  Maybe I can be cryptic...maybe I will write it anyway and delete it later? Maybe.

Let it go.

Someone from my past, someone I'd rather not remember, resurfaced in my life. I will call her Meg. (fictional name for a real person) I met Meg in the 4th grade. She was sort of a loner. She was teased for her acne, I felt sorry for her. I sat by her at lunch once and awhile and would strike up conversations with her. It was a small would, because I found out Meg lived on the same street as I did, just 3 blocks away. So began a friendship. It was not your normal friendship, it was apparent from the beginning. My first clue was when I beat her at a board game, she threw a fit. She lifted the board and marched into her room, and told me to go home. I did. She didn't speak to me for a week. I should of just let it be, and never gone back. But I did. Eventually I learned to lose games, let her take control of pretty much everything. After awhile I actually feared her, a friend that was so controlling that if I didn't talk to her, or tried to distant myself from her she made life Hell for me. Without going into a long drawn out story, it went on for years. In about the 8th grade I decided, enough is enough. I was going to a different High school then her so I called her one day and just said I was severing our relationship. She took it well, so it seemed.

For the next 2+ years she bullied me. I was harrassed. The harrassment included prank phone calls, her boyfriend following me, graffiti on our property. She even went as far as to harrass my little niece. That was the beginning of a huge battle, involving parents, siblings, neighbors. It finally ceased about the 11th grade, intermittingly I would get prank calls or strange scary things would occur.

So why contact me after all these years? She left a message on my FB page telling me she was sorry for my loss of my mother. Is she seeking forgiveness? Is it wrong to just brush this person off? I had seen her once in the 12 th grade, she and I sat down to talk. She blamed all the bullying on another girlfriend we hung around with at the time. She never took the blame. She never said she was sorry for the torture she put me through. So, when this recent message popped up in my PM, I just thanked her for her comment. Is it wrong to not forgive? She profoundly changed my teen years forever, it can not be erased. It made me who I am today, how I have had trust issues, I cling to certain friends, and low self esteem. It is so difficult to put to words how I feel in my heart.


So I am left with this big question mark in my mind. For now, I let it be. I will not contact her. I can not deal with all of the past pain and memories. I guess the old (yet now 'new', thanks to Disney) addage is true-- just "Let it Go."

Old stuff

Its Sunday morning and I am up early. Wow, that's amazing for me, I usually lounge around in my PJ's till 11 a.m. or so. But I am up, dressed, including make-up on, ready to get my gab on and do some picking with one of my best friends, Rhonda. We go to out of the way places to find old stuff to add to our stuff, which technically we don't need any more stuff. But its fun! Who knew I would be enamored by stuff my Mom use to have in her home, 50 years ago. Even if we don't find that "one" special thing, we always have such fun, crazy fun. If people saw me on these outings they may ask, "who is that?" Its a chance to forget everyday worries, a chance to really be me, and what is more special then sharing it with a person who really "gets" you.

Some may ask what is so fun about rummaging through other peoples old stuff. Some even hate the thought, it grosses them out. Not us! I find memories, art, and history. The old adage. "they don't make them like they use to" is very accurate. We live a disposable world now, and what is more savvy than upcycling or reusing what was once a treasured item?

I have tons of "projects" that I say I am going to work on, upcycle a found object. And promises to myself that I would learn how to sew, refinish wood, maybe use a power tool or two. I want to! Problem is there isn't enough time and the day! We still have to do that 9 to 5 thing, buy food, pay the mortgage...Bummer. When will the time come? Hopefully soon. Meanwhile, I will continue the quest of finding new "old" things to add to my pile. After all, tomorrow IS another day!

Small random thoughts....

Never celebrate on a loved ones death, celebrate their birth! The former is just morbid.

My Hero

I lost my mom 11 days ago. I should say I had lost her longer ago than that, she slept pretty much the last week on earth. I am so grateful she didn't suffer, just slept longer and longer as the cancer progressed. I am not going to get into the depressing details, Mom would not want that. I need to accentuate the positive. She wanted to die gracefully, and she did. She just went to sleep. I was there as much as I could be the last month and the last week- stayed as long as I could. I wanted to.


I never meant to broadcast to the world my pain, but evidently I did, on Facebook. It was so hard just going through it all, I thought sharing would ease the pain. I wasn't an attention hoarder- well, OK, maybe just a little bit. But my true friends really came through for me. The support, the camaraderie of people who lost family and loved ones to cancer also. Mom told me she didn't care as long as never felt like it was a "pity party". Yes, she said exactly that. She didn't want pity. She hated what the cancer did to her body, her speech, her skin color. (she got very jaundice) So I never took her picture, I didn't subject her to the public. She stayed home until we had to have help. That was what she wanted. I went right along with her, listened to her wants. When she spoke of how she wanted her funeral, who her pall bearers would be, what she was to wear...all of it, I listened. No one wants to hear things like that, but if I didn't- she would not of gotten what she wanted, And she did. I saw to it. Everything she asked for, I made sure it was done. Still have trials, still think of her constantly. I even forget she is gone for brief moments. I seen a bottle of wine I thought she would like at the store today, was going to ask her if she'd like me to pick up a bottle. A brief moment of madness? No, just love, hope.


My family went through much of this too, maybe not the being with her as I was, but I was able and am will be forever thankful I could be. I never want any of my brothers or my sister to feel guilty for NOT being there, because Mom did not want them to feel that way. She knew they had lives, jobs, they live a distance away. It meant more to her for them to live their lives- to go on. Not to dwell on her being sick, but her remember her in life. So- my brothers and sis-if you read this, she told me many, many times. " I don't want them here if it causes hardship, I know they love me. Life will go on."


One of the last sentences Mom was able to speak to me came after I put her to bed one night. She was barely able to make it to her bedroom with my assistance and the walker. She had to stop half way in the kitchen, sit, rest, then get up and go again. As I helped her get dressed for bed, laid her head down on the pillow, she said, " You are not going to like what I am going to say, but I hate this, I can't go on like this, I want this over." I  was at her feet, and I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "I know Mom, I know, I understand." Then I went to give her a kiss on the head and she grab my face between her two hands, one on each cheek and said, "thank you Honey" She closed her eyes, and went right to sleep. She wasn't thanking me for putting her to bed, she was thanking because I understood. I understood that she was ready. It was less than a week and she was gone. She told me and I prepared myself.  It was time.


Norma Ehlers, My Mom, my hero.

Simple

So I decided to be more frugal, appreciate what I have, not coveting what my friends or neighbors have. Its difficult! People my age are starting over with building new homes, remodeling their old houses. They got things in their homes I can't even fathom owning. One gal I know has 2 stoves, yes, 2. If she has family and friends over she can cook more! How much fun is that! Here I am, empty nester, well sort of (more on that later) and can just pop a frozen entree in the toaster oven, maybe go out to eat. And this gal delibertly ask people over and cooks huge amounts of food for everyone, has all these great dishes, and uses a lot of dishes too...on PURPOSE! Sorry, not fun to me. I've been there, I had dinner on the table every night for 19 years, done, no more. You want it, you fix it, or take me out to eat. So does she have 2 dishwashers? NOPE.  Got to wash those big pans in that fancy apron sink. Or maybe thats what that bar sink is for? Tiny dishes?

So I am thinking, do I really want this gal over at my house? Show her my 1970's kitchen with the old stainless steal sink that I can't wash a 9 X 11 inch pan in flat? Or my old counter tops, formica! One stove, one sink, no dishwasher...well that's me (dish washer) technically. But then maybe she'd like to come over, see how simple it is. I actually sit down at night, sometimes 3 to 4 hours before I go to bed! Yes, sit. Not cleaning the kitchen.

No, I want the simple life now, I did the big house, twice- I did this on purpose. My home is small, cozy, perfect for a few to sit and talk, maybe share a glass of wine, cup of coffee...they make nice disposable cups now! Come on, envy me!