I pretend to understand how some young people view their self-worth. I struggle with it actually, quite a few of them access self-worth with a career. I never felt it necessary to form my life around a job, or career. I wanted to succeed in life, in family, in personal strength. Of course, this is a different world I was brought up in, The need to suceed is ever present, pushed or culture, and in even in middle school. Who you going to be when you grow up? What will you be?

Its all personal. Frankly, I put my children first and foremost. I brought them into the world, I should take the reigns, and build them up to be good functioning people. I thought less of me, and more of them. Its true. I would skip eating a sandwich for lunch so I could give my kids the last slices of bread. I gave up new clothes, shoes, and basic necessities, to give them what they needed or wanted. I worked, but I worked around my husbands schedule-he was the main bread winner- so the kids didn't spend their entire day in a daycare. I wanted them to at least be with one of us  It was difficult raising my kids on a fixed income, but we struggled and we managed to give them a good childhood with great Christmases, birthdays, and even an occasional vacation. It mattered to us, to give them memories, and meals at the table.

So, if I seem unsympathetic to the career hungry culture, its because being successful at being a parent meant a whole lot more than a career. And I like to think I did pretty well with my two kids. So, maybe my career was simply, being a Mom.

What is the dream? What do I want to do in life, is there more? What's next? Is there? What's the future to bring? Is there more to life? I can't decide. What the grand scheme, where do you go from here. Is this all there is? Tell me we all haven't thought of that once or twice. It not that I am not happy but did I expect more by now? Can I really say this is where I wanted to be at this point in my life? Where did all these questions come from all of sudden. Its not as if it hit me suddenly I just sat down and I wonder out loud, well sort of, here on my blog. Can this be it? I got to figure this all out or maybe not, maybe its just suppose to just happen and it will all  fall into place. But what if it has and I passed it by or I let it go. I am so confused! Who are my real friends? Can I trust them?  Maybe something is missing in my life or maybe I am searching too hard. I need to rest. Rest my mind, my heart. Just be... be me.

 I was thinking about my past...my childhood, my first marriage. I was married young, 18 years old to be exact, to Steven Callahan. I had my first born, my son, Daniel at 19 years young. My daughter, Samantha, came 4 years later. People that knew us then, were pretty sure we wouldn't make it, our marriage, I mean. But we were married 19 years before Steven was killed in a horrible accident. an event that changed the course of my life. I cannot describe to you what it felt like to be widowed at such a young age. Just losing someone is difficult enough, but to wake up one morning, go through your day as you alway have, and in a blink of an eye, it all changed. I won't go into details, but I look back at that part of my life and if you'd of asked me 17 years ago, if I could of survived such an ordeal, knowing all that I know now, I would of said, "NO way." But I did. You want to know how? Faith, love of family and friends. Oh but the ordeals we went through as a family. Its indescribable. If I can help ANY widow or widower that goes through this at such a young age, I would say first and foremost- think of your child or children FIRST.  I know, easy advice, obviously-right? But its so easy to say, unless you experience it there is no easy way to say how you think all is going to just "right" itself with time. It doesn't, its a struggle, its painful, but you can get through. I am ashamed to admit it, but I tried to buy happiness. Yes, its reality, I know I did it. My mother, God rest her soul, said it was my youth, not knowing how to handle all the pressures, the finances. But still, what a mistake. I would change so much if I could go back... of course, it not happening in the first place. I just want people to know, its important! Your kids happiness FIRST. Their future-FIRST.

Advice. The grass isn't always greener. We all heard that phrase. I learned that the hard way. Left a job of 15 years for another in the same field for another company. Red flags shot up right from the beginning. One was, " I would never step foot in a Walmart." This was said by my new boss. She actually said that. Yes, I left the company, but it is not this depraved, deviant company they make it out to  be. To say you would never step foot in a Walmart says a lot to me. It tells me you feel "better" than the workers there. That was the first red flag. Second, was how a couple more of my superiors watched my every move. I am serious, I was constantly watched, scrutinized to a point where I felt their eyes burrowing in my back. And to say that had to be an exaggeration, is not the case. It was unnerving to see eyes trained on me whenever I looked at these people. Third, not being able to talk, I don't mean complete silence, like in a library or church...I mean idle talk. If a topic came up out of the work topic, you may of been able to squeeze a sentence or two about it...but not any longer than that. You had to hush up, heads down. or up...to work...nose to the grind stone. Well, that is okay to an extent, but boy can that drain your mind. You feel robotic after a time, not human. Personal conversations were snatched here and there. Moral was a issue because of that. Just do your job, work work work, no life outside brought in unless someone asked, then you had to be brief. That took its toll on me. Hey, I am all about work, do it right, but where is the human aspect of that? What about laughter? What about the human being's life outside this box? No, it drained me.  I could not work where I felt like I was only theirs for 8 hours and nothing to define me outside of that box. So, I started to feel the stress, along the way, to my dispair, my mom got very sick, cancer. I had to be there for her- I wanted to be there. Usually I received compassion on that aspect, but all and all I was expected to never falter, to be able to set all of the emotions aside, and work. That is fine, but it was emotionally draining to be expected not to feel that pain all day. People are not robots. We cannot go through something like a dying parent and not feel stress. I started to make mistakes. I felt isolated, my anxiety went through the roof. I felt "out of sorts" and to top it all off, constantly told how I did everything wrong.  Then, to make matters worse, I was betrayed by another employee who helped me do a computer task in the area, by which she saw over my shoulder  what I made per hour. Wow, shit hit the fan. Apparently I made more than this veteran employee and her co-worker. I get a phone call on my day off- telling me how "unprofessional" it was to do that task at work, on the computers in that area. There were 2 other supervisor on duty as we were doing this, and they even showed us how to get to that area of the website on these computers. These supervisors knew we were doing it, and never once- said it was inappropriate. But it was my fault. I was told I left the window open, which is also a lie because I could pull up the history and I shut that window 1 minute after I opened it. She saw it over my shoulder and blamed me for leaving a window open. THAT Hurt. The 2 employees raised a stink, got their raises, and withing 2 weeks I left. I cannot tell you the anxiety that place caused me. I would never want to work in an environment where people don't have life outside "the box" of the work place. Never again.  I am working back at the "degrading" Walmart. Not to me,  it is not degrading. I feel like part a family. A family that is not perfect by know means, but we laugh, we can talk...They care about me, they ask about my life outside, we share. Its a big relief to me actually to have a job where we can be human and not robots. Lesson learned. I am human, after all.

Healing

I needed advice,   but, I could not call.
That song you love is on the radio! But I could not call.
You have to see the color of the leaves on that tree in my front yard! but I could not show you.
The grocery store I am at has your favorite wine on sale, but I could not call.

I could not call, because you aren't there. You are gone. And I miss you- I want to talk to you, see you, laugh with you, share the beauty of the world with you, have a glass of wine with you.

Time will heal, memories will comfort me. But most of all needing, listening, seeing, and knowing is enough because with each of these things I know you are still with me.

Advice

Changes, life happens. We all have those moments in life that forever alters your being. Small things, big things happen. Nothing prepares you for it, it just happens. My mother death, though I knew she was dying nothing prepares you for that. Now that she is gone, I realize the true impact it had on my life. I always miss her, its as if there is this ache in my heart that wishes to hear her voice, hear her laugh. I long to ask for her advice. But life keeps tumbling forward. I will adapt to the space she left in my heart. I will share her with anyone who will listen-about the woman I most admired. With the memories I have, she is alive. 

I made some decisions about my career. Career...Not sure if career is a good choice of words for someone like me, who doesn't want her job to define who I am. I work to live and pay bills. I am not saying I can't enjoy what I do as "a job". But to me, careers are for the woman who strives to be the best at what they went to college for, those ambitious women, who can balance their careers with their home life as if it no big deal. I can't do that. My family, my home, each mean so much to me that the "job" stays where it should, I don't want it to over flow into  my personal life. I would never put down the "career" driven woman. I admire them. Its just not who I am. When my "job" did flow over into my home life, effecting my emotional self that's when I had to reevaluate what I needed to do. I am almost 50 years old, not that 50 is by any means "old" but I can not 'live' to work. There has to be balance. My balance is family and home first, job second. Decisions were made, big mistakes made along the way. I will not let a job take over my life again, I will not let it change me. It will never over flow into my health or my relationships with the people I love EVER again. I will learn balance. 

So as I said in the beginning of this blog, losing my Mom changed so many things. She gave me some advice one day, as we sat together on her porch, right after one of her doctor appointments. She took my hand and said, "Honey, promise me you will not work in a place that makes you unhappy." I had told her how stressed I was at my current job. She continued, "Remember how it affected me? I had health issues because of the stress. It is not worth it." again she said, "Promise me!" So I promised her I wouldn't stay where I am not happy. Guess what, she was right. I was getting physically ill. And it is not worth it. I left where I was unhappy and I felt like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Thank you Mom, for still reaching out to me.   

Maybe

Do I care if no one is reading this? Not really. I need to get out whats in my head. It frees my mind, helps heal. I don't NEED anyone to read it and think, Whoa! Poor Jill. That wasn't my point. I am putting it out there what makes me think, And think I do, almost obsessively. It can be debilitating for me, to carry these thought in my head. If I write them down, it seems to help the healing process.

Certain subjects for me are best left avoided though, since they can cause repercussions. What if the wrong person read it and misconstrued what I said? So I will leave certain subjects left out of my blog. But how do I heal in those instances?  Maybe I can be cryptic...maybe I will write it anyway and delete it later? Maybe.